Gethsemane | Reflection
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| Jesus Christ in Sorrow in Gethsemane by Carl Bloch |
Just sit with Me in My Passion, and I'll sit with you in yours.
These are the words I feel internally that God may be placing on my heart at this time in my life. Since Azalea died, I've been hearing over and over to be gentle with myself, and I think God agrees and has been encouraging me to do so. But even more than that, through various conversations that I've had with my husband and my sister since then, I've been feeling more recently that maybe God has been asking me to slow down in many ways and to just be more present, both with my family and with Him.
In these past couple weeks, I keep being presented with images and thoughts of Gethsemane, and at first I wasn't really sure why--but it felt significant. And then, my husband and I keep returning to the same sentiments in our conversations about returning to Mass (we haven't been back to Mass since Azalea died)--how we want to return to Mass, but don't feel ready, for whatever reason--we feel drawn to return to the Lord in Confession and Adoration, but not yet to Mass. And something my sister said to me tonight helped, I think, to make it all click a little more.
Going to Mass feels more like a task in the participation aspect--more like the act of doing. But sitting in Adoration, in particular, feels more like the act of being, quietly. I told my sister how I feel guilty, comparing myself to the lives of the saints in thinking that the saints surely would be running to Jesus at Mass during a time like this for solace, and yet here I am feeling like I am trying to keep my distance.
To this, my sister responded with a surprising wisdom: "Yes, but the saints would only be doing that if God had given them the grace to do so. Maybe he's withholding that grace from you for a reason, maybe to invite you to rest."
And then I was reminded of Gethsemane. Jesus wanted His apostles just to be with Him in His agony (and to pray, but mostly just to be present). And when the angel came to comfort Him, to strengthen Him, there was no mention of the angel doing anything but just being there with Jesus. The angel's presence and the apostles' presence alone was enough (with the stipulation of the apostles being that Jesus at least wanted them to be awake, but thereby signifying them being mentally present--mindful--as well as physically present).
All this is to say that maybe God is calling me to slow down, almost to stopping, and just focus on being present--to my kids, to my husband, and to Jesus. Stop trying to rebuild and reform my life "for the better" and start by just simply being with Jesus, quietly resting in His Presence. Maybe that's what I really need to heal right now. Maybe that's what I need to lay the foundation for a more fruitful life going forward.
Or maybe I'm completely misinterpreting everything. But if I am, then I pray that God will lovingly understand, appreciate my efforts, and gently correct me. Until that happens, though, I'm going to try to let the Spirit move me in this direction and hope that it is enough for right now.
In these past couple weeks, I keep being presented with images and thoughts of Gethsemane, and at first I wasn't really sure why--but it felt significant. And then, my husband and I keep returning to the same sentiments in our conversations about returning to Mass (we haven't been back to Mass since Azalea died)--how we want to return to Mass, but don't feel ready, for whatever reason--we feel drawn to return to the Lord in Confession and Adoration, but not yet to Mass. And something my sister said to me tonight helped, I think, to make it all click a little more.
Going to Mass feels more like a task in the participation aspect--more like the act of doing. But sitting in Adoration, in particular, feels more like the act of being, quietly. I told my sister how I feel guilty, comparing myself to the lives of the saints in thinking that the saints surely would be running to Jesus at Mass during a time like this for solace, and yet here I am feeling like I am trying to keep my distance.
To this, my sister responded with a surprising wisdom: "Yes, but the saints would only be doing that if God had given them the grace to do so. Maybe he's withholding that grace from you for a reason, maybe to invite you to rest."
And then I was reminded of Gethsemane. Jesus wanted His apostles just to be with Him in His agony (and to pray, but mostly just to be present). And when the angel came to comfort Him, to strengthen Him, there was no mention of the angel doing anything but just being there with Jesus. The angel's presence and the apostles' presence alone was enough (with the stipulation of the apostles being that Jesus at least wanted them to be awake, but thereby signifying them being mentally present--mindful--as well as physically present).
All this is to say that maybe God is calling me to slow down, almost to stopping, and just focus on being present--to my kids, to my husband, and to Jesus. Stop trying to rebuild and reform my life "for the better" and start by just simply being with Jesus, quietly resting in His Presence. Maybe that's what I really need to heal right now. Maybe that's what I need to lay the foundation for a more fruitful life going forward.
Or maybe I'm completely misinterpreting everything. But if I am, then I pray that God will lovingly understand, appreciate my efforts, and gently correct me. Until that happens, though, I'm going to try to let the Spirit move me in this direction and hope that it is enough for right now.
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